Closet147

Past 3 months, it’d been the worst downtime of my entire life. Just as the economy plunged into debts; my heart plunged into oceans deep. The difficulties faced have one thing in common… relationship with females.

It’d been quite a while knowing this uniquely beautiful gal, she unnoticing carries my heart to wherever she goes. As my days increase in numbers, so does my love for her. I can’t stand the anxiety any longer. Love that I thought have grew mature, unfortunately haven’t or maybe never did. Though the disappointment, but glad enough to know that it gave me more courage to approach her in this future. And well, chance may come second time around.

Not too long later, barely a week having met this new girl just as friends. After a few activities and meals, I sense a change in her ways toward me. Probably it’s her crush but left me feeling inferior. What started out as friends, turned mentally-advance for her. I sense the indifference when she first touched my face, then the insinuating words and light tantrums at my rejections over tiny stuff.

This has been a great struggle in my heart, to spill truth to her is to hurt her heart; not to talk over is to make heavily burden mine. But till now, it’s still me keeping this agony.

The weight that amounts greatest to this heavy heart isn’t the above, but this! I’ve been working with my boss for few years now, every wish made and request asked is like a command for me, in which I enjoy most doing while learning. Generally, my boss gets me slave for free…haha! Generously enough, I got promoted to greater responsibilities and enjoyments, plus the chance to connect people into ‘One Body’. At that peak of life, I tried very much to control my appraisals by people with all my humbleness and kept reminding myself that the momentary fame is not what I desire, but in His delight. But one recent day, my boss turned sour and directed these words “I don’t trust you” to me. Those strong words suddenly brought the weight of the world upon this modest heart. My boss insinuated that I have power struggle, conflict of interest, different mindset and my own agendas! Through years of my service, and that’s what she thinks?! COME ON, MAN…I know the difference between a church and a company la!!! If I wanted financial richness, I would have forego my service here and get a better paid job; if I wanted fame, I would have got it from the world by just designing a unique commercial product; if I wanted a life…… it’s only in the church I can find, because only by serving awakes me out from my rest. The church is my only comfort zone apart from my family faraway, if I lose that, I lose my ‘life’.

Things had been haywire between us since then, faith and confidence have been taken away from me, I have lost much interest in His work and not a single clue of my wrongdoing towards my boss, if I ever did. It’s depressing even more that my boss would console someone who’s angry over a small issue than reconcile with me. But I would just be glad enough if stop the harsh treatment and interrogation and start smiling at me… just as a boss gives a pat on a worker’s back.

I just pray and wish all will be well sooner.

P.S.: Usually I wouldn’t ask this, but if you’re reading, please pray with/for me. Thx!

‘Lo propongo mi amor’ …it’s Spanish, means ‘I propose my love to you’. And suddenly sound of ‘awhh’ness adds to sweetening of a feminine heart. I would think that’s almost every girl’s dream of a perfect ‘love’ sentence …or love proposal.

Began with suggesting a quiz test… “There’s someone I know quite a while ago, I didn’t have a heart for her in the beginning, but later along the way, I did. We’ve been out quite sometime & I think it’s time! What would you say if he’s me & she’s you? Would you be my girlfriend?” …and here comes the single red rose for you. I wonder if this latter would be as ‘awhh’some as the above… hmmm…?!

I know… I know… it’s not about how you propose or profess your love but about the relationship before this. Still, when it comes to a rejected answer, somehow it’s in human’s nature to ponder on what was spoken or done wrongly in the proposal. Only and only when the heart sets to calm down and mind be reopened, do we ponder on what went wrong throughout the whole relationship, or the bigger picture.

Before an answer was summated to a man’s heart, the hours and minutes and seconds seemed so long and dreadful. Amidst the time, all physical hunger & material desires are overcome by only the ultimate mental focus on ‘Yes? No? …No? Yes?’ mind-blocking questionnaire. No wonder I could see many people sacrifice over the rejection of love.

Even after it’s a confirmed failed proposal, time seemed stagnant momentarily until we are able to breakthrough and figure out what to do and where to go from here next. But the pondering of this relationship will still be on-going until another comes-by. For some, it’ll still be the same till we die. And that’s faithful! Unfortunately, some say that’s foolish!

Anyway, this is first and failed proposal, wishing the relationship will improve and love flourishes in time to come… ‘as desire turns greater, as reality comes sooner’ (cross fingers and die) …hahahaha!

Almost a year plus now, I’ve met this gal (yes, ‘gal’) & nope, I didn’t fell for her the first time we met, or the second, or third or… First time meeting, she looks a little protective and somewhat self-conscious, well, not the girls I used to hangout with. This is probably due to her being ‘chinese’ (mentality). Not that I don’t have friends from Chinese schools or homes, but she’s just different.

She works in the same town as I am currently and quite excellent at her job, I would say. Although being quite a young Christian but she has touched the Church with her heart and her profession by doing seminars & workshops. She seemed so genuine till even our pastor’s heart was drawn to and protective of her (& mind me, a lady pastor).

In the beginning, we rarely hangout but later we did, for meals and church activities. Dinners became frequent and bumping each other became a norm. It went on until one fine day, little did I realise that I was ‘hunting’ her whereabouts. Because her job permits to take many annual leaves, thus she’s quite frequent being out of town. It’s funny when at times we’re not conscious of things done at that particular moment, until a certain point of time later, then we triggered ourselves. Anyway, since then… “Darn! She’s captivated my heart!” Being a person of myself, probably toooo… it became known publicly that my heart was after her but I know time wasn’t ‘ripe’ yet.

She’s someone I said ‘different’ because of her character & the ideal one I desire for. Until now, she’s still protective, self-conscious and ‘Chinese’-minded. And what I desired for a life-partner is totally opposite from this gal, someone who is open, easy-going and western-minded. But what I came to figure out is that… well, this character-type also good what?! A good wife-cum-mom character, in addition to her liking for kids and seeing things differently compared to me and taking care of the details of things. I noticed these in church when she enjoys most teaching and caring for kids and at times, she took notice about little tiny stuff in church when most people are doing the ‘big’ stuff. Even when she is or not serving as an usher, she remembers to handout blankets during altar-call when everyone are either busy dwelling in God’s presence or busy ensuring the music and technical-perfection. In fact, she’s been an inspiration to the church (& me), reminding of what servanthood is all about. Even more, because she’s a young Christian, she determined herself to know God much more by attending Bible courses and seminars. I pretty much see that she’s really living a Godly life and I’m ashame that I am incomparable to her. It is true when pastors preach about how Christians need young-Christians and non-christians to teach us about living a Godly life and walking back His path. If there’s any possible, I would wanna strip-off my ‘Christian’ label totally and restart my Godly life all over again.

Anyway, she is ‘different’ kind of Christian and in her own way, an inspiration of servanthood. If I could say this in front of her, I’d…

“. You are a different kind of friend I see this day,

. Different in your own beautiful ways,

. You are a determine one in things you do,

. Determined to learning of Christ-likeness,

. You are a deed God uses on people,

. Deed to inspire me with simplest steps in life,

. You are a definite thing God looks for,

. Definitely, someone I look for… ”

It’s always the same view every year when committees after committees take center stage. Today, I am here to present a viewpoint which most ‘empowered’ persons won’t get a glimpse of.

I’ve been many times right at the top of the committees-stand long, long time ago and I know that it’s excitingly fun to developing old programs and creating new projects with a group of commonly shared-passion people in a club or society, an activity or major event.

Just passed these four years, I’ve took a step back from active participation into committees of such glorified activities. Guess what?! This time, it taught me just this somewhat one important lesson in life……

If you’ve noticed, when old committees ‘retire’, they like to gather and frame up photos taken within the pass year for memoirs. After that, they hang up on public walls in a club’s common room, school hallways or classrooms, where many people can see and so that they can be very proud of (themselves). Well, don’t get me wrong, I’d like that too, especially for the unity we stuck onto and the hardwork we bear with within the year. I would wish the whole world could see how good I am too… committed, determined, devoted, etc. into a passionate-ful thing I took on. Other than that, committees make many last plans to celebrate the passing of baton, celebrate ‘retirement’, celebrate ‘freedom’ and celebrate ‘…for the last time we did this, we did that’. Not even to mention the non-official celebration thereafter.

There are people happy, there are people sad…

Have you ever noticed the different expressions on people’s faces when they see an old group photograph? For those who’s in the picture… smiles; those who’s not in the picture… looks serious, sulks or saddens. These latter people are ones who think, ‘I know I could be in if they’d just allowed me a chance’, ‘I was so sure I was in from the beginning’ and ‘I’m just not good enough compared to them’, consecutively. And many of these people lacked chances because they weren’t capable enough in comparison. They desired, hoped and desperately urged for ‘it’, but just unfortunate.

While newly chosen into the committees, we’ve many a time said (and yes, including me in the past) “The club is not only about me or us ‘The Committee’, it’s about every committee and every member standing united as one in bringing the club to greater heights”. Always, we feel to say but fail to truly act upon. And this is a fact as you gather all photos taken throughout the year, you’ll notice that committee’s faces appear a higher eighty percent in statistics than other members. In addition, you’ll tend to talk more to the people you social, dealt, had fun most with, even when you all have ‘retired’ from the committee …and it’s no doubt human nature. Thus, get real!

As said, this is just a general viewpoint most people neglect when they’re ‘on the top’. They’re so focused in the pride and glory of the commitments and achievements.

Conclusively, have you ever asked some of your friends how they felt when you were in the committee and they weren’t? …when they see most of you and less of them in the past photos? …when you looked much happier to see ‘The Committees’ than they are? And are you most assured that you’ve never at all neglected ‘the rest’? …If it’s a question too difficult, then it’s your answer too easy.

Firstly, you’ll wonder why I entitled ‘Direction’ & ‘Choice’. Same concept, ‘Leader’ & ‘Follower’. The one who gives a direction, leads; the one who makes a choice decides to (or not to), follows.

As God’s children, we would know our direction which God guides us to and the choice He gives us to make (except the minor-minor instructions). Think about it, since God wants us to excel in life, thus He will provide a direction for us to follow and a choice to choose either to do His maximum or mid or minimum expectation, don’t you think so?

But still many Christians think the alternative, in which to follow His direction or our own direction. If we’ve already established a relationship with God, do we still needa and wanna choose our own roadmaps?! Since His directions are always right, why not follow?! Yes, some would say that if we don’t take our own ways and knock-a-bout walls, then we won’t know our boundaries and limitations. Well, in reply, why would we wanna waste time knowing our inadequate since He’s there to show us that?! Since our objective to test our limitations is to refrain from doing it twice (in this case, knock-a-bout walls twice), then why not spend that time going forward?!

Illustration: Let’s imagine we’re driving on a wide and long road, as we go forward, why do we wanna bang the divider or the tree off the road? Isn’t that causing our precious time being wasted? Isn’t it not wiser that we spend more time to reach the end of road faster, seemingly that His road is a really long one for us? Do you think you’ll be always lucky to come back on the road if you bang the tree off the road, especially when you’re a stubborn mule in certain things at certain times? Would you think you’ll finish the journey in-time before ‘your petrol runs dry’?!

Choice before direction

1) Direction = Choice: Either choose His direction or choose our choice (alternatives).

2) Choice, to you, is diverging.

3) You see an uncertain future.

Direction before choice

1) Direction ≠ Choice: His direction is chosen but our choice is to do His minimum expectation or walk the extra mile.

2) Choice, to you, is advancing.

3) You see a clear future.

Now, choose and learn God’s directions before you make your choices. He’s never here to harm or hurt us. He’s always here to deliver us into the right path.

A time ago, Christians were hipped-up with the ‘W.W.J.D.’ cotton-sewed wristbands, which stand for ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ (Of course, later people printed into rubber ones for a cheaper cost).

But what was the real message behind this popularised wristband? Was it really what would Jesus do in one of your life’s situation, as if you’ll know what Jesus will do just by wearing this reminder-wristband? …unfortunately, it isn’t always that easy thinking and imagining about how Jesus would survive and overcome our current life’s situations, because situations then is a mere history and story-lesson to us nowadays.

Questions: Your car just got knocked from the back and a samseng-looking driver is stepping out to ‘discuss’ about the accident, what would you do?! You’ve done a company’s project co-working with a colleague that went wrong and he pinned the blame on you, how would you react?! Your boyfriend or girlfriend suddenly breaks-up with you and directly say that he or she has found a new ‘one’, what would you say back?!

As notice, these questions test your reactions, to whether you react christianly or non-christianly …or indecisively. We know sometimes we act christianly just because ‘we have to’, sometimes to show our genuine love (the ideal christian thought) and sometimes just to show off that we have a ‘big heart’.

After I’ve pondered on all these thoughts, I’d finally come up with an idea to share with you.

My idea to this is, before you react to any of your life’s situations, imagine a while on God’s Judgement Day. If the samseng driver reacts harshly on you that day but you still maintain your Christian-cool. At the Judgement Day, what would God say?!

I would imagine either… God saying: “Samseng driver! Because you have acted rudely upon (your name) at (the accident place) on (the accident date), I sentence you to hell.” Instantly, I would feel relief (in a good way) because justice has been done. Or… if he does go to heaven, I know he’ll approach me saying “I’m sorry for the accident and the rude attitude long ago. Please forgive me.” I would feel much more gladness for this latter situation because he has repented and ask of my forgiveness and most importantly, another soul added into His kingdom.

So now, instead of asking what would Jesus do, well… what would you do?

Yes, being rudely acted upon and blamed on seems different to a relationship break-up situation. But truly, think again… W.W.Y.D.

I attended a 3-days christian camp lately. As usual, they made us play ‘Angel & Mortal’ game where one has to do good on another throughout the camp. Humbly, i actually won a Romeo title in the past by doing somethings special than just a coke or chocolate bar. Things that seemed like love letters were actually words or encouragement and poems of compliment, people had mistaken it and labeled me lover boy too. But i guess the secret to this is to get ’stuck in the person’. ‘Stuck in the person’ is by means of getting to know him/her extremely well, then compose our words of sincere compliment on him/her in messages to them to feel much happy and very appreciated.

But in this camp, there was something extra which usually don’t happen, there was an aftermath… i’ve got stuck with her name, E.S.T.H.E.R. I don’t know how, i don’t know why but i’m feeling that i should just leave it here.

Anyway, this is a song in memory of the moments.

Yesterday, you’re some gal

Today, you are one girl

What have i see in you

That made today a difference

I wonder was it your smile

I wonder was it worth while

I wonder is it just us

.           Now i’m living with your name

.           E.S.T.H.E.R.

.           I’m dreaming of your smile

.           E.S.T.H.E.R.

.           I’m hoping for the next mile

.           E.S.T.H.E.R.

I have been a Worship Team (WT) member almost immediately the first day I stepped into City Community Church (CCC). Being here almost four years has taught me these 11 important lessons and it made biblical Worship knowledge and experiences well and better known to me.

The 11 Lessons:

1. Opportunity To Serve

The first thing being taught coming into the WT was ‘Opportunity’. Remembering the first Sunday in CCC, immediately after being introduced to the Senior Pastor of the church, she (PJ, of coz) asked me to serve in WT. Well, that shows a leader giving opportunities. Opportunity has a way towards greater things. Opportunity led me to begin serving as a Chinese Service guitarist, later came pianists and rest of the musicians, and finally now came the whole WT. In English Service, we too have full-serving WT every Sunday. Overall, we have an established WT in CCC with about 50 members. Thus, this shows the importance of giving others opportunity to serve, for the ministry to grow and multiply. It’s also what pastor always reminds me about.

2. Don’t Be Limited, Explore

It’s always been a habit for younger worship leaders and musicians to follow the most current and well-known Christian worship albums for church services. In my previous church, it’s always been Hillsong and Planetshakers, the trendiest there. After being a while in CCCWT, it changed me to think and have interest to explore more of other Christian albums like Passion, Paradise Live, True Worshipers and individuals like Matt Redman, Chris Tomlin, Paul Baloche and Jason Upton. Don’t get me wrong, singing whoever song in your church is fine, but when considering following the trends of either album is not advisable. It’s because the messages contained in their album, most likely isn’t exactly what your church pastor intended for the congregation. And yes, it’s important to choose at least one song closest to the Sunday’s sermon. Thus, explore more albums to find the right ‘tune’, as there are many out there. I always explore songs in Youtube before I get an album.

3. Kids’ Praise

In many churches, the children attend Praise & Worship with the adults. But the thing is, most of the children don’t really understand what worship is about, they only try to sing along and be quiet during free worship. ‘Let the children come (Matt 19:14) …I’m not too small’. They might not understand worship, but by singing kids’ songs would, because the words are much simpler to understand and remember. In CCC, Kids’ Praise takes up the first 10 minutes of the service for the children, for this purpose.

4. New Songs, Old Songs

A church is made up of people of many generations, thus most time, it’s hard to select songs to allow everyone to get into God’s presence. Nowadays, the newest and most current songs top the churches charts, touching the youths and young adults. So what about the adults? Most adults only sing songs that they know or catchy new songs. The suggestion to this is to put in old songs once in a while or at least one every Sunday. But this depends on the church’s general population. If they are made up of mostly adults and old folks, it’s advisable to choose some older songs and hymns.

5. WTO

Worship Team Outreach (WTO) is an outreach work that CCCWT does. We use our gifting as worshipers to reach out and help others learn more about Praise & Worship. Our worshipers include worship leaders, song leaders, musicians, singers, creative dancers, media and sound technical personnel. For WTOs, we get invitations to lead Praise & Worship sessions in other church services, combined-churches events and youth camps. But sometimes, it’s hard to determine whether we are performing or evangelising because everyone tend to practice so hard to make perfect our roles. But it’s always fortunate to have our pastor around to guide us and pray for us to stay on the right track. Thus at every WTO, we always pull through and excel, not our performance but our work for God. And we also always end up having great time serving Him.

6. The Music

Music is like a language between two people communicating. Music can either be encouraging or distracting. In Praise & Worship, music tends to be the medium between man and God. Worshipers is the instruments in music, worshipers is the medium.

A while ago, musicians tend to get lost in playing, lost in the worship flow. To try improving, everyone went back to study more songs and techniques, but it got things worse. And probably this is the reason, that everyone is learning different things, branching outwards and not being as one. During those few months, music gradually becomes distracting rather than encouraging for the congregation. Thus, to solve the problem, we put our skills and techniques in the dusty shelf. It’s ‘Back to basics’ time, simple music simple worship. With that, it improved the Praise & Worship services. Later, as we improve, we improve our skills not as individuals, but as a team. This seems to be like Matt Redman’s ‘Heart Of Worship’ days, with just a slight difference… people, not the music.

7. BM Songs

CCC’s worship is meant not only for the English-speaking adults & children, but also foreigners like Indonesian maids. Bahasa Melayu (BM) too is the common language between Malaysians and most foreigners. With this, pastor came up with a great idea to have worship leaders to sing at least one BM song in every service, to encourage BM-speaking people to worship in unity to our God. Because CCC does not have a BM service, thus with singing BM songs in English service, families who bring their maids would also have a chance to know the Lord through the good news in a song. Who knows?! In future, we might even touch the hearts of our fellow ‘countrymen’ too. But it all starts now with our WT.

8. Pulpit Sermon

Someone once said, “Praise & Worship takes up half the service time” and the other half is the pulpit sermon, quite true in CCC. Having half the time worshiping God with songs, I think it’s not too much if we are to sing a theme song for that Sunday, a song that relates to the sermon preached. Yes, songs should not be of an importance to a service, but aren’t also songs bringing important messages?! In the millions of songs in the Christians music chart, there is sure to find one with similar message behind. Also, it’s not too hard to get the pulpit message from your pastor, right?!

9. Modernise Old Songs

Nowadays, hymns become trendy again. Matt Redman, Chris Tomlin, Charlie Hall, Jeremy Camp, etc. are getting into modernising hymns and old worship songs. Instead of playing the 3/4 old music beats, they modified to 4/4 beats, thus it would be either take a little faster or slower to sing the songs. But it would still benefit both the older and younger generations in worshiping. Adults are comfortable with the words & youths are comfortable with the beats and tunes. Many Malaysian churches now have already started to introduce those modernise songs.

10. The Field & The Men

If you have a community’s church like CCC, it would be hard for Music Directors to arrange a WT for every Sunday service. Generally, CCC is made up of MMU (Melaka) students and busy working adults. CCC has not only Melaka working people but also outstation working people like KL, where they work outstation during the weekdays and come back Melaka for the weekends. But sometimes, there’s the ‘I can’t come back for Sunday service’ quote. In CCC, there’s also the ‘quiet time’ during MMU holidays, where students goes back to their respective hometowns and left the church half-empty. But fortunately, we still have the devoted ones who stay back …just for the church.

Although there are people who will be in and out of CCC every weekend, but still there are people! Does it mean that if less people in church, we should lesser the people to serve and put more people in the congregation’s seats or giving lesser to God our worship and our service?! Of coz NOT! The work must and will still go on as usually or even greater. Bear this in mind, ‘The field (work) is always there and on-going, just needa find the workers (people) to work it’. This remains true until we really tried hard to find ‘the workers’ but have none.

11. Free Worship

Spontaneous Worship or Free Worship, similar to Prophetic Worship, aims to take total reliance on the leading of the Holy Spirit to flow, with an ability to hear His voice and courage to follow. What follows is an incredible journey of creative spontaneity and worship from the heart that springs from such freshness that no single worship service is like any other.

CCC is currently practising this to encourage the freedom to worship, in contrast to the Prepared Worship which includes responsive readings, recited prayers and common chants. Spontaneous worship is the worship of David dancing and new testament believers falling to their knees in grateful prayer.

As a Music Director for almost two years, I know that learning these lessons can sometimes come hard or easy, depending how open and how wise you are to accept and embrace it. But I’m glad I did, even when it’s the hard way. These lessons aren’t always agreeable to the WT members or even to me at first, but now looking back at the overall picture, it does. These can not be explained 100% on paper; it has to be experienced 100% by hand.

…MD ‘08

This set of human theory came to my mind when lately I kept questioning myself for the reason that I’m not able to achieve great academic results like those top scorers. In comparing one to another, this was my findings.

There are two types of people’s mindset in engineering field, the ‘WHY’ type & ‘HOW’ type. Firstly, we should understand the definition of the words ‘why’ and ‘how’ because at most times, we misuse those words in our everyday communication. For example, some used to the statement “How come like that one?” which supposed to be “Why is it in this manner?” ‘How’ is in terms of making something happen and ‘why’ is more of knowing the cause. Thus, it is very important to know the difference.

.                                                 Types of people

.                             ‘WHY’ type <——|——-> ‘How’ type

‘WHY’ type:

~ Model questions used – “Why does it become defected?” & “Why it must move in this manner?”

~ ‘Finding’ is their objective

~ ‘Reasons’ & ‘root causes’ are their goals

~ ‘Found it!’ is their success

~ Job scope: Process, Maintenance, Analyse, Research fields

‘HOW’ type:

~ Model questions used – “How did it created into this?” & “How can I make it this way?”

~ ‘Achieving’ is their objective

~ ‘Making it work’ & ‘achieving it’ are their goals

~ ‘It works!’ is their success

~ Job scope: Design, Develop, Manufacture, Managing fields

Before going further, there is no definite of one kind to the other, rather it’s having one skill or mindset MORE to the other. Without a doubt, there are people who have educated themselves to having the mixture and balance of both types. Meaning, we are not of either kind stated above, in fact we have both, but having the more of one makes a difference of how we can or wanna do to achieve success in future, in terms of an engineer or a technical personnel.

My personal conclusion, lecturers in varsity are somewhat educating us in the manner that we reason things out and find the problems’ causation, which always refer to notes and papers. In comparison to polytechnics or technical institutions, lecturers educate by showing the real stuff. And that’s probably also the reason varsity students are less of a handy-person.

But this is not a reason for us to stop developing the other skill. This is just a guideline for us to know ‘where we stand’ and ‘where we can go’. So, which type are you?!